Tales of Loss and Happiness
by shadows in aurora
Summary: Basically, a collection of raceshadowsinthemoonlight's fics for Rivetra Week 2014.
1. Day 1: Survive

_A/N: A compilation of fics I made for Rivetra Week 2014. Again, some might have seen these on Tumblr. (I just have nothing new.)_

* * *

><p>Her hair was longer back then.<p>

It was so long it nearly reached her elbows. But of course, she pulled it into a ponytail during training and expedition. She did her hair neatly, unlike Hanji who'll always have some locks of her hair pulled down.

Sometimes he wondered how she took care of her hair. Having _that_ long kind of hair must be taken care of seriously. But she was a soldier and she didn't care how her hair looked. Or so it seemed.

However, she didn't seem troubled with that thing hanging at the back of her head, moving when she turned her head. When the training or expedition was over, there was a few strand of loose hair hanging in front of her eye. And it was kind of annoying for him to push it behind her ear.

He wouldn't admit it, though.

The first thought crossed his mind when they first met was, how Isabel would like her. Petra was gentle, nice, he could see it in the way she treated everyone around her, with smile and all. If Isabel were still alive, she'd have always been Petra's side, completely ignoring him and even Farlan.

That was, if Isabel and Farlan were still alive.

Isabel never got a chance to befriend with other girl.

He saw her training; he noted that she still had to work harder to cut, but she was fast at using 3DMG. She was small and she knew how to use it. She also was getting along pretty well with other soldiers; she trusted them enough to work together to kill Titans.

And that was enough for him.

He realized she may not good with hand-in-combat, but it didn't matter anyway, he needed her during expedition to kill some Titans.

But once he got used to watch her, he _continued_ doing it. When he stepped inside, he scanned the room to see if she was there. And he often found her laughing at some jokes her friend telling. Or chewing her food carefully while nodding at whatever her friend saying. Sometimes she caught his glance, but she always quickly looked away.

He knew that his presence could make someone uncomfortable. He knew he was pretty intimidating. But would it be so weird that he didn't want _her_ to be afraid of him?

He wrote down her name on the list of soldiers he wantes to be in his squad.

Petra Ral.

There.

—-

"This expedition will also—hopefully—show us if they're worth to be in your squad, Levi." Erwin said as he held the paper in his hand. He glanced at it, as if seeing the names again, making sure he was right.

"How? By seeing if they fucking made it back alive or not?" He looked up, seeing those blue eyes of Erwin, the one he trusted the most. He gave his loyalty to him, not because he was his Commander, but because he gave him the chance. Another chance to make up the decision he made.

Erwin understood how it was like to survive, from Titans. From humanity. From anything.

Erwin looked away. "Well," he cleared his throat. "It's more likely they'll survive, after all."

Most of all, Erwin understood him without Levi having to say anything.

—-

He wanted her so badly to survive. He didn't know why, he just did. Maybe because he wanted to see her smile again, or hearing her laugh, or maybe when she survived, he'd talk to her and she'd see that he might _not_ be as intimidating as he looked.

And she did. He congratulated her, and asked if she didn't mind to be the only female in his squad. She shook her head and smiled.

The following day, she cut her hair short.

"I've heard that cutting your hair short can throw your bad luck away for a new start." She explained when he asked her. "I'm joining your squad, that's really a great and new start, Corporal." She smiled again and he wondered why she even survived the expedition.

It wasn't that he thought she wouldn't have made it; he wanted her to badly he couldn't understand why. But he had been taught that anything good in this life wouldn't live long.

Because in this cruel world where anything bad _always_ wins, there's no place left for the good.

—-

He had hoped she'd have made it, but there was also another part of him that wished she wouldn't. He didn't want her to see what would become of this world, and he didn't want her to take her part.

He looked down at her face, her eyes opening but not looking at anywhere. He reminded himself it was for her own good; she didn't deserve to live in this cruel world.

He heard another roar.

And he couldn't feel anything else but the cold in his heart.


	2. Day 1: Remembrance

There were things taken from him long before he could remember, like his mother, his house, etc. But the first one he remembered was the cup, broken, the pieces shattering on the floor, with tea splashing. It happened in one second, before they laid mutely.

—

He didn't remember any things about loss later; not even about Kenny, he was just glad to be apart from him. He tried not to be attached to anything, to a person. But then he found Isabel and Farlan.

—

When he first joined Survey Corps, he knew he'd see many people died. Happened in one second, and they lay soundlessly. Like the broken cup That is, if the Titans are nice enough not to eat them.

He also tried to keep some distance from everyone; including Erwin, Hanji, Mike, Nanaba, Moblit… everyone that he trusted the most especially since the breach of Wall Maria. They understood, though, if he didn't speak much during meeting or dinner.

He knew that sooner or later, they'd die eventually, and even when he had kept the 'distance', he'd still feel the same feeling he had when he saw the broken cup; like something inside of him had torn apart, making it difficult to breathe of knowing the person you know would be no longer there. That somehow you'd get used to it, but now, you just wanted the rage, the sad, the feeling, to be away from you.

He had also learned that you can't. You just had to embrace the feeling, until you felt numb with it you felt nothing at all.

But that was different when he met her.

Hadn't he prepared the worst when he first heard the roar, knowing Eren had turned into Titan?

He thought the feeling would come for him—as it started to, when he looked down to see Gunther, Erd, and Auruo. But when he saw her—the feeling wasn't there anymore.

He felt numb.

—

Eren reminded him of her, because he always recalled the way she acted around Eren, the way she treated him—like a child. Auruo sometimes scolded Petra for that, but Levi knew better. She was the only child in the family, yet she always longed for a brother or sister. In the legion, she found her brothers and sisters, but she was always treated like a little sister, especially in the squad. So when Eren came around, she finally got a chance to play as the big sister.

Eren looked a little lost himself. He no longer slept in the basement after the expedition, but that was where Levi always found him. Petra always brought him another blanket when he slept there.

_Fool brat, Levi thought, you think that sleeping here would bring her back with extra blanket in her hands?_

But he couldn't blame Eren.

—

He saw Armin and Jean sneaking glances at him when Erwin told him to do a meeting before the Military Police came for Eren.

_So they knew_. Levi said quietly to himself. He remembered them both being close to the carts carrying the corpses.

He hated the fact that Jean and Armin also reminded of her and her dead body not being brought home.

—-

Historia had a small figure, petite, with blond hair and bright blue eyes.

But she wasn't Petra.

—

She was _everywhere_, even after he realized that. She was there when they discussed the plans. She was there when he and Nifa had watched over before Kenny started shooting them. She was there when he witnessed Armin shooting the woman. She was there when he told Jean about choice he made.

He didn't have to worry he'd forget her. She was there, after all.


	3. Day 2: Fate

He opened his eyes to a silhouette standing before him. He blinked. That wasn't a silhouette.

"Hi."

He just looked at her, as if by blinking, she'd be gone and he'd be all alone again. But she smiled and held out her hand.

She was real, and alive. She was in front of him.

He tried to get up, but the flashing of images were before his eyes; he was glancing at Armin, Kenny pointed a gun at him, the sound of gun…

"Ugh!" he held his head with one hand, as if he hit his head somewhere before he passed out and woke up with Petra in front of him.

"Are you okay?" She touched his arm and he was startled at the touch. "That's fine… You're here, now, Levi. You're safe." He let her pull him into her arms. He still didn't know what was going on, why was she here, and other questions were floating in his mind.

He closed his eyes and put his arms around her, he gladly inhaled the scent of her that was familiar back then, before the 57th expedition, before she was gone, taken from him.

He slowly pressed his lips against her forehead before he looked down at her, one hand making its way down from her cheek to her neck.

"How?" He asked, not because he wanted an answer, but because he wanted to hear her voice again.

She shook her head. "Really? Do you want me to explain to you in our reunion?" She said with a smile. It was a smile that made her look calm and beautiful, the smile that always made him stop and stare, the smile that always had been there for him.

"Not really." He agreed.

"We have one day before… before They took you."

"What?"

"Your time there is over, Levi. But that doesn't mean you have another time… in another world."

He seemed puzzled by her words. He wasn't a fool himself, but what her saying didn't make sense. He opened his mouth to say something, but she interrupted.

"I know you don't get it, but do you even know where are we right now?"

He finally got a chance to look around. It was like the forest where… she died. But no Titans in sighting. He began to understand. A little. He looked down at her again.

"Will I meet you again in… other world?"

She smiled. "Yes. I'm pretty sure about that." She stood on her tiptoe and brushed her lips against his. "We have all day…" she whispered. "What do you want to do now?"

He looked at her blue eyes, those eyes he hadn't seen these days. Those eyes were always there when he woke up from a nightmare. Those eyes that were staring at his.

"I don't have any idea." He admitted as he kissed her shoulder and let his head staying there. He didn't care if they only had one day, because it was enough for him.

Because it was _finally_ enough, after all those nightmares he saw in his dreams about losing her, after how he _actually_ lost her, after everything reminded him of her… she was back in his arms.


	4. Day 2: Letters

Levi woke up in the middle of the night with a pang of hurt in his ankle. For a moment he thought he was somewhere else but his home; he could be out there, in some strange place where he'd be trapped inside of the walls. Or he could be in some forest. But no, he was in his room, with his wife beside him.

He reached out to touch her, and when he felt her breathing okay, he stood up and walked to his office. Before he left, he turned around to see Petra still sleeping in their bed, with her arms protectively around her swollen belly. It was about time she'd give birth to the child. Their child.

In his office, he pulled out a piece of paper and pen. He was about to do some reports Erwin wanted him to, but instead, he was scribbling at things he didn't realize he was writing then.

_I don't know how you will look like. Maybe you'll look like your mother, with blond hair and blue eyes. Maybe you'll look like me, dark hair and grey eyes. Or maybe you'll look like both me and your mother; blond hair with grey eyes, or dark hair with blue eyes. I don't know. What I know is, I'll have a daughter._ He wrote. His handwriting was always messy and almost no one could read it but him and Petra. Even Erwin preferred to have an important note from Levi to be printed out, not written.

_I hope I can tell you that I'll be the Best Dad Ever, but I can't. Because nobody knows—and this is the part where if your mother reads it, she'll roll her eyes and mutters, "Here we go."—how it turns out _after _you are born._

_I grew up adopted by a single father who didn't know how to handle a child. And if I made a mistake, he'd hit me. It took me years to find out what he'd been doing was wrong. I won't hit my child. I won't be like him… but what if I will?_

_I can't wait to get to know you, but on the other hand, I'm also scared. I'm scared to hurt you while I'm supposed to protect you from the bad things in the world. But here's another lesson from me—your mother will not roll her eyes this time—that no matter how many people around you, no matter how many friends or families you have, you'll still be alone. There's a difference between being alone and lonely, but we'll get to that later._

_When you take your first step, you'll have to do it alone. You'll find your mother and me standing to catch you if you fall—but you'll still have to do it by yourself._

_Please remember that next time, when you take your first big step (like moving out to college or even having your first boyfriend—but I'd like not to think about it), that we'll be here to catch you if you fall._

_Even if_ I_ don't show it, please trust me._

_I can't wait to get to know you._ We_ can't wait._

Your father

"Levi? What are you doing?" He looked up and found Petra standing in the doorway. He couldn't remember when he woke up and did _not_ think what he'd done in the previous life to deserve her.

Maybe in the previous life, he was forced to watch her die. Or maybe he was also forced to live without her.

He didn't know how he could think about such things—he just _knew_. It couldn't be true, anyway, he didn't believe in reincarnation or such. And it didn't matter right then.

"Nothing, Petra. Let's go back to the bed?" He stood up and walked to her, arm around her back to support her—he knew walking for her will be too hard because she felt heavy herself. He rubbed her belly and thought, _yes, I can't wait_.


	5. Day 3: Demons

If Eren Jaeger had a monster inside of him, then Levi Ackerman would have a demon.

The Demon that wasn't capable of loving or caring. The Demon that wasn't coming from him, but it was made. By his past, by Kenny, by everything else he knew was wrong, yet he couldn't do anything.

When he joined the Survey Corps, he thought the Demon had died inside of him, died along with Isabel and Farlan and all the good things taken from him.

But he knew the Demon would leave a mark, and the mark was that he wouldn't be able to love someone.

He was wrong.

He was never good with words. He usually just let the silence passed between him and the other person he talked to. He might get uncomfortable and awkward, sure, but he just let the silence passed until they gave up and left him alone.

But there was always an exception.

He liked the silence between him and Petra Ral in the morning when she made tea for him.

She always got up earlier to make breakfast and everyone's favorite drink; Erd and Gunther usually had a pot of coffee, Eren with orange juice. Auruo… well, he drank tea, like Levi. And Petra knew how to make Levi's favorite tea; one teaspoon of sugar, and a little milk; not too much or less, just a little.

Because Levi always woke up before anyone else—beside her, he sometimes accompanied her in the kitchen. Okay, maybe not sometimes. Maybe he did that everyday.

Petra never tried to fill the silence. It always went like this every morning: Levi went inside the kitchen, found Petra there, boiling water or something. She glances over her shoulder and smiled to him, "Morning, Captain." He nodded and sat, waiting for his tea.

And he loved that about her.

When she put her head on his chest and listened to his breathing, she didn't say anything; as if she also needed the silence for herself.

With a silence like that, who would have thought the Demon was _still_ inside of him?

—

He said to Eren that he needed pain for dicipline, not some lecturing. He knew that because he had experienced it himself

And it happened again—when he saw her spine broken, face covered with blood. It was her eyes that told him she was gone.

Something triggered inside of him. Her death had woken the Demon. All these times he thought it had gone, it had died. But it was just sleeping—and that was why it never made a sound.

His rage grew as the Demon started to stand. But the pain was still there to remind him, that it was _his_ turn to control the Demon, not its.


	6. Day 3: Flowers

"I didn't know Hanji is so fancy about flowers."

"Well, you should've guessed it, she's majoring in Biology."

"Ah." Petra muttered as they made their way through the crowd where people seemed to be chatting, drinking, eating, and Levi hated it.

He always hated crowds, he didn't belong there. But then Petra took his hand and squeezed it, making him feeling a little better.

"Don't forget to smile, Best Man." She said with a sly smile.

Best Man. He couldn't believe both of his best friends were getting married—okay they technically _had_ married—to each other. Well, he saw them practically in love with each other long before they knew it. He saw them holding hands and kissing—ew—and probably had done other things he'd like not to go into details.

He was happy for them, he really was. But it was so weird to see them… _married_.

"You look—" Levi's voice trailed off as Petra turned to him, tilting her head to one side, and waiting for him to continue.

_Beautiful_, he thought, but the word didn't come up to his mouth. Whenever he wanted to give some compliment to her, the words didn't seem right. It was either too cheesy or the way he'd say it would make her laugh instead of smiling and saying thank you and then he'd get a kiss.

Okay maybe he imagined them both kissing too much.

Still, they've been together for, like, 4 years. And add the time when they'd known each other but not friends _yet_ because he wasn't an easy person to befriend with, he should've known how to say things to her.

Or maybe because she was too beautiful he even wondered why would she want to be with him. Petra smiled as if knowing his thought—at this point, he wouldn't be surprised if she could.

"Petra!" She turned her head to the voice.

"I've got to go. The bride needs the bridesmaid. See you later?" He kissed her on the cheek for an answer.

As he watched her walking towar Hanji, he cursed himself under his breathe. _Hell_, he thought, _how am I supposed to say this without even being able to say it?_

"What's the matter, Levi? Couldn't throw your shit away this morning? You look like you haven't pooped in three days." Levi looked at Erwin without so much expression—you could never tell he was joking or not.

"That was one of my best jokes, Erwin." Erwin took a sip of wine from his glass as he glanced across the room. Levi didn't have to tell who he was looking at.

"So," Erwin started. "When are you going to say it, Levi?" "

What? When am I going to say what?" Erwin looked down at him and Levi _always_ hated the fact that he was shorter than Erwin. He was shorter than _anyone else_ except Petra, which was a bonus for him so he didn't have to tiptoe to kiss her. And he also enjoyed it when she did that to him—or when she pulled him by the collar of his neck—not that he wanted to admit it, even to her.

"Hanji told me about the ring."

_Damn shitty four-eyes_. Levi tried to keep his face calm. He loved and trusted Hanji enough to make himself asking her if she could do him a favor. Apparently, she wasn't trusted enough now, now that she had told—

"She's my wife now, Levi, and we're not supposed to keep secrets from each other—"

"Damn you and your wife." Levi hissed. "This is _my_ secret, Erwin! What if your _wife_"—he said the word in a mocking tone—"told her?!"

He was being hysterical, but he didn't care. He might be being looked at for shouting the groom, but he didn't care (and he tried to keep his voice down).

"She won't." Erwin put his glass on the table. "Married or not, we're both still your best friends, Levi. Why didn't you tell me you're going to propose Petra? You know I've done that before—proposing to a woman."

Levi could feel himself flushed for the rush he felt for being mad at Erwin, and for being embarrassed at his saying; propose.

He was going to propose Petra. He was going to ask her if she wanted to marry him.

He was going to freak out now.

He put a hand in his pocket and—there, he could feel a little box. He hold and rub it. That little box had a ring in it. A nice ring that he'd know she'd like it. He didn't know how or why, he just assumed she'd like it.

Good God, he was going to freak out like a mad in his best friends' wedding, wasn't he?

"Hey," From the corner of his eye, he could see Erwin drinking again from his glass, certainly trying to hold back a laugh when Petra greeted them.

"Hanji told me about the flower." Erwin pointed at the one Petra was holding.

"Oh yes, this. She told me about this luck from the bride to the women who get anything from the bride. She wanted to throw the bouquet, but then she said it wasn't fair to everyone and decided that every women will get one flower from her bouquet." She held out the flower to Levi. "Mind holding this for a second for me?"

He did as what she said.

She looked at him again and frowned. "Are you okay, Levi?" She held out a hand to touch his cheek and forehead.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little bit hot in here." He replied. He still could see Erwin trying not to laugh.

"I better go now. My wife is waiting for me." Erwin said.

Levi growled. "For fuck's sake if you keep saying the W-word I—"

"Go ahead, she really is." Petra cut him off. Erwin nodded at her and shot Levi a knowingly look. He knew what that look meant.

"W-word?" Petra turned at Levi. "What are you? A high school girl?"

He just rolled his eyes and didn't answer. He realized he was still holding her flower.

He looked down at it and couldn't help but letting his mind gazing anywhere. He could imagine she had some flowers and took a great care of them—she did, actually, in her apartment. But he could imagine her doing the same thing in _their house_. He could see a house and they could make it as their home. He could hear their laughter filled the house. He could see him, exhausted from work, got home and saw her waiting for him with a smile and—surprised—their child.

He could see it. And he suddenly longed for it.

He also remembered how her presence would make him calm. Like a few minutes ago when he was about to burst out but then she came and then he felt okay.

She was always there for him even without realizing it. It felt natural, like breathing.

And he was 100% sure she felt the same way.

He could still feel the little box in his pocket. He looked to her, eyes searching for her blue, bright eyes. The eyes that always looked at him with happiness, or worry, or even sad. The eyes that he wouldn't mind to look at to everyday. He pulled out the box out of his pocket.


	7. Day 4: Dreams

He thought his bed was even bigger now there wouldn't be two people laying there anymore. It was just him and he didn't feel like sleeping—he _never_ felt like sleeping, not if she was with him.

But she was dead and she would never join him in bed again.

He had to get used to his chair, again—

"Why didn't you use the bed if you're tired, Levi?"

He blinked. He was sitting on his chair in his office, but he was not alone. She was there, sitting in front of him, her hands on his desk. As usual. Like they were having some ordinary conversation.

Like they weren't in his dream.

He just stared blankly at her, but at the same time all he wanted to do was to reach for her; to hold her.

"Because it seems to me that the bed is larger without you there."

She reached for his hand but he couldn't feel it; he didn't feel anything. She was dead and dead people couldn't touch living people, he knew that. She was dead and that truth had sucked all his feelings inside.

"What will you do now?" She asked with that soft tone of her, the kind that she'd use when she was being patient with him.

"I don't know." He replied. He still couldn't feel anything. He felt cold creeping on his body, his mind, his heart… he didn't know how to stop it, yet he didn't want it to stop.

"Don't do this."

"You don't understand, Petra," he felt _something_ just by saying her name, only a little. A trembling from some shattered pieces that were inside of him—as if they were about to awake. "I just want to protect myself."

"Give yourself a break. Only for one night. This night. Promise me." She shot him a look that reminded him why he fell for her; because of her stubbornness, her bravery, and her knowing without giving a second look.

He didn't answer, he just felt the shattered pieces were trembling even more. The ice had started to crack.

She leaned closer to press her lips to him. He hesitated, but he felt _it_. He felt the familiar soft touch on his lips. He recognized the feel of her hair when he pressed a hand at the back of her neck, pressing her closer.

He jerked awake, to find all the feelings he tried to hide was coming back for him.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Longing.

He had to keep a hand to his mouth to keep him from screaming.

Once he had calmed down a little, he decided he'd go for a walk. Without realizing it, he walked to the dining room. It was empty, of course. He was probably the only one who was still awake. He didn't want to sleep in his office anymore, nor in his room or even hers. No, it'd just make it even worse. He sat down and closed his eyes, embracing all those feelings to bring him back to the darkness.

And that was where Eren found him at dawn. He brought his Captain a blanket, he could see him shivering from cold.

Or probably it was from something else. He heard Levi muttering Petra's name. And he just left him there.


	8. Day 4: Heaven and Hell

"I will go with you through heaven or hell back and forth—"

"Through heaven _and_ hell."

Petra sighed. "Right. Can we try again?"

Levi looked at her in disbelief. "Again?"

Petra nodded and she got up from the bed. "Again." She answered, and he knew that she wouldn't stop until she told him to.

He shifted in bed. There was no way to stop his best friend because she always got what she wanted; it'd always been that way.

_Levi, let's play Barbie with me.  
>No.<br>Play. Barbie. With. Me!_

Or,

_Why are you avoiding me? You're embarrassed of having a girl friend, right?  
>I'm not.<br>Yes. You. Are!_

Always with that demanding voice of hers. And now she wanted him to help her practicing for school play, which was stupid for him. But he also had no idea why the hell he agreed to help her and got stuck in her room for like six hours.

_Come help me practicing for this role, she said. It'd be fun, she said._

Levi cleared his throat. "But," he began. "How could I trust you again after what you've done?"

"That's the problem," she said, using her disappointed tone. "I can't convince you—ugh!" She threw herself on the bed and put an arm on her eyes. "I can't do this! I can't even memorize my lines! Why did I even agree to sign up for the role?"

"Hey, hey," he pat her arm, trying to make her look at him. "Memorizing lines _is_ easy. All you have to do is—"

"I'm not _you_!" She suddenly sat up and glared at him. "I'm not you who's all smart and genius and can even memorize things I said and did yesterday. Now remind me again, why did we become friends in the first place?"

"Because you basically live in front of us ever since we were little we couldn't even remember the first time we really became friends?"

Petra rolled her eyes and sighed (for a 55 times, he had counted), "Yeah it's like I'm stuck with you for the rest of our lives. And I'll go through heaven and hell back and forth just for you because I know you'll do the same thing. I can't convince you because there's no way you'll believe me unless you let yourself believe in me." She stopped, her mouth still open. "I did it!"

"You did it!"

"Oh my God, I can't believe it I just said all my lines that I found it hard to memorize!"

"Yes, and now my job is done. I can go home and have a hot date with my bed." Levi started to get up.

"You can't leave! _We_ have to work on the next scene! Sit down, and this scene is where—"

"Now remind me again why did we become friends in the first place?"


	9. Day 5: AU

Petra always knew something was wrong with her husband.

He was always the quiet one and he was known to never speak his thought aloud. But once you got to know him, it was easy to read his thought judging by his silence and expression. He was sitting on a chair near from her bed in her hospital room. He was supposed to go home but she knew, he didn't want to leave her alone. She didn't want him to leave either. She still felt tired from giving birth that morning, but she didn't want to fall asleep.

Not until they had some talk.

"Hey," her voice merely came as a whisper, her hand reaching out for his. "What's the matter?"

He shook his head a little and kissed her fingers. She pulled her hand out of his grasp and put it on his cheek.

"You can always talk to me, you know. I'm your wife, and we're not supposed to keep secret from each other. We have to be honest and other stuffs that I can't remember right now."

When he fell silence, she sighed and pat the space between them on the mattress. "Come here." She said.

And he did. She always loved the way he held her; one arm around her waist, his face buried in her hair. She'd breathe his scent and felt protected and warm.

"You're scared." That wasn't a question, that was a statement they both knew. "You're scared you are going to hurt her." She didn't hear him answer, but she could feel him nodding. "No need to be scared, Levi. You will not hurt her."

"How can you be so sure, Petra?" He finally replied, his voice merely a hoarsely whisper, like he was trying to hold back a tear. His body was shaking and she held him tighter. "You don't know how terrible it was to make some mistakes and had yourself got the punishment you didn't even deserve. You don't know, do you, that my mother also had no idea she was married to that _monster_, and look where she is right now—I have no fucking idea, because she left me behind with that _monster_, and she strongly believed I will turn into that _monster_."

"I don't know, Levi. But I do know that if you think you're going to be some kind of monster, you will not. Why? Because if you want to hurt our baby, you'd have done it by hurting me—her mother."

And _that_ made him look down at her; looking into her bright blue eyes that showed him some encouragement and worried. He wished their daughter would have her eyes that often filled with passion and happiness—unlike his.

He touched her cheek. "I never want to hurt you. How can I do that?"

She leaned in to his touch, closing her eyes. "Exactly. If you can't hurt me, then you can't hurt her." Her eyes were open and she put her hand through his hair, forcing him to look at her eyes. "You are not your father, Levi."

He wanted to believe her, he really wanted to… but he was not so sure of himself. Then he remembered when he held the baby for the first time… she was so small, so fragile. He was even afraid to hold her.

But he _had_ to believe Petra. And he remembered the stupid letter he was writing to their daughter. He said he couldn't wait for her coming. He still felt like he couldn't wait to see her in their home, to witness her first step, to hear her first word, to hear her calling him Daddy…

And for the first time, he believed that he wasn't like his father.


	10. Day 5: Touch

"We need to get their bodies back." Erwin had told people surrounding him; Mike, Hanji, Moblit, and Nanaba, as he looked through the list of names.

"I'm coming." A voice came behind him. It was Levi.

Erwin, not even bothering to look up—or down—and with a hand still holding the paper, calmly replied, "I appreciate your help, Levi. But you're injured. You should—"

"All members in my squad are dead."

_Then_ Erwin turned to level his gaze down at Levi. Even Hanji and Moblit, who were just talking about the Female Titan, fell silent, They knew that it was Erwin's order that kept Levi being away from his squad longer.

If Erwin somewhat felt guilty or sorry for Levi, he didn't show it.

"All right, but you are not going there by yourself. Just in case some Titans choose to show up. You're going with Hanji, Mike, and Nanaba. You're injured."

As if Levi needed to be reminded about the pain in his ankle because of protecting Mikasa. He then straddled his horse, ignoring the pain.

He went back to the forest, not bothering to check if they were following him. The image of her, lifeless and blood over her face, flashed before his eyes and he closed his eyes to erase the thought.

He couldn't.

—

They were all quiet when they found the bodies. Without a sound, Mike switched to 3DMG to get Gunther. Nanaba stopped by Erd. Hanji silently went to Auruo. They were all leaving Levi to stare at… Petra. He was unsure if he should reach her or wait for others.

But… if he waited, he wouldn't have got any chance.

He went down from his horse and walked silently toward her, a part of him hoping her to turn around, or moving, or anything that could be proven she was still _alive_.

Of course, she was dead. Her body had turned cold and stiff under his touch. He closed her eyes gently, as he also did when he tried to make her head straight. He felt his hands trembling, and he didn't want them to see that. He had controlled himself when he first saw her there, but he also had Eren, Mikasa, and the Female-Titan to get him distracted.

Erwin was right; Levi shouldn't be here by himself. Or else he just wouldn't stand it and have a breakdown. Not that he wanted to do that in front of his friends.

He put one arm around her shoulder, and another under her knees before he stood up. He looked at her face, and it almost felt like he could hear her voice when she comforted him as he watched one of the soldiers dead before his eyes. That was the day when the wall in Trost District had been breached.

_"He looks like he's sleeping without worry." _She had said.

She looked like she was sleeping without worry.

He held her closer to his chest.

When he looked up, he saw all of his friends were staring at him… with pity, perhaps. He couldn't tell. Maybe they knew all along. Or maybe they didn't because he lost all members of his squad, and he couldn't kill the Female-Titan because of his mission.

Kind of ironic, wasn't it? He'd told Mikasa to remember their mission—which was to save Eren, not to do some revenge—but at the same time, he also tried very hard not to turn around to kill the Titan. There was nothing to lose if he got killed, the Titan had killed _her_, after all.

He held her closer, because he knew it would be the last time for him holding her, touching her. Because there wouldn't be nights he came to her room, holding her as he fell asleep. There wouldn't be nights he sneaked a kiss to her before they went to their rooms. There wouldn't be nights she laid her head to his chest to listen to his heartbeat.

He didn't want to let go of her, but he had to.

And he did.


	11. Day 6: Horror Story

From the first time she stepped inside of the house, Petra knew something was wrong.

"How do you like this new house, Petra?" Her father had asked her. She could only manage a smile and a nod before going to what would be her room.

She felt like she was being watched.

She turned around, but nobody was there. Her father was going outside. She was completely alone in the house, and the thought was more terrifying than she expected.

And there was no sound at all, she could only hear her breathe. The silence filled the house like she was the only person in the world. She then pushed the strange thought aside and went upstairs.

The creak in the stairs nearly made her jump. She laughed at herself, and the laughter itself was ringing around the house. She shook her head, thinking that she was tired from moving and she needed to get some sleep.

Her room was certainly bigger than the one in the old house, and she had _her own_ bathroom, in her _room_. She couldn't ask for anything else from her father, who'd been through lots of thing.

They both had been through lots.

Her mother died a few months ago from cancer. Her father suggested they move to somewhere else—for a fresh, new start. A place that could make her become someone else, not knowing about her past, and about her death mother.

She heard the creak in the stairs, but she didn't hear the footsteps.

She frowned, her father always made a sound when he was walking.

"Dad?" She called out, but no answer.

She thought she was imagining the sound. She started to unpack her things and that was when she felt like she was being watched.

Chills ran down her spine. "Dad?" She called out again, louder that time. But her call was only being echoed in the house.

She didn't dare to turn around.

She kept on unpacking, hoping that the feeling would be gone, just like when she was about to climb the stairs.

It hadn't gone.

She tried to focus on her things; clothes, books, toiletries, laptop, just to ignore it.

"Petra?"

She nearly jumped again. "Yes, Dad?" She couldn't help but feeling relieved as she saw her father standing by the doorway.

"Do you think we should go out for dinner?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You don't feel tired, do you?"

Before Petra could answer, there was a knock on the door. A loud, impatient knock.

"Wonder who will that be," her father muttered as he went downstairs, Petra followed him behind; she somehow, still didn't feel safe.

He opened the door to find a girl, probably one or two year older than Petra, wearing glasses, and holding what looked like food. Behind her, there was a boy shorter than her, probably a little taller than Petra, he didn't look all smiley like the girl.

"Welcome, new neighbors!" Said the girl. "This is from my mother—she couldn't go here by herself because of reasons. I'm Hanji, and this is Levi."

"Hello, I'm Thomas Ral. And this is my daughter, Petra." Petra stepped aside to show herself and smiled shyly.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Ral, Petra."

Petra could tell Hanji was being nice, while she wasn't sure about the boy—Levi. He just stared at her for a moment. He looked uncomfortable himself, like he'd rather be anywhere than here. For a moment he stared at his shoes, inside of her house, Hanji…

"Please just call me, Thomas… so do you want to get inside? Sure it's messy, but we've cleaned some place to sit."

"No, I—we—can see you're still busy… Hey, Petra, can I come back tomorrow so we can walk together to the bus stop?" Hanji asked.

"Sounds great." Petra smiled, still feeling awkward for meeting this so-called new neighbors of her.

"I still have works to do. Thank you for the meal, Hanji, Levi."

Hanji nodded and smiled at Petra's father while Levi didn't even bother to look at him.

_How rude_, Petra had thought.

"Well, we'd better get going. Petra, nice to see you, and please don't forget that we have a date tomorrow and I'm picking you up." Hanji said with a little wink, Petra couldn't help but laughing.

Hanji had already walked down when Levi was still standing in front of Petra. He put a hand on his pocket, he clearly didn't want to meet Petra's eyes.

"Your house…" He finally muttered something.

"Yes?" Petra was surprised to hear his voice.

"Be careful." He replied, turning around and following Hanji.

_How rudely weird_, Petra thought again. But then she realized that, when he was around, she didn't feel scared. She felt safe—for now.


	12. Day 6: Supposed to be Enemies

Levi had said many times that there was no right or wrong choice, until the moment _after_ it was chosen.

They still had a lot to learn. But there were some that had understood about it; Armin and Mikasa, for example. Armin, for shooting the woman. Mikasa, for hurting Levi's ankle. And there was Historia, who chose to live under her real name back. Not to mention Eren.

Jean had learned from the previous experience—about his hesitance for shooting the woman, putting his life and others in danger. But still, Levi couldn't blame him from trusting that girl from Military Police. They did not trust her, eventually. But Marlowe insisted to bring her along.

And Levi couldn't blame him either.

Both Marlowe and Jean didn't say anything, but judging from the look, he knew they felt guilty. If Marlowe didn't insist on bringing Hitch, if Jean didn't trust Marlowe… then Sasha and Mikasa wouldn't have been kidnapped.

"I'm sure they are fine." Levi had finally said. "They are soldiers. They can take care of themselves… knees, elbows. Trust me, girls know what to do with them."

They were in the ceiling. The dark, small but also long lane that made them feel slightly claustrophobic. They almost didn't make it there after being caught by some guard, and that was when they realized Mikasa and Sasha were gone.

"That girl, Hitch… if I'd have known what she'd do, I'd—"

"Stop, Jean." Levi didn't sound mad, he just sounded tired, and he was. He had witnessed many things these days; Nifa was killed before him by Kenny, they were being chased by Central Brigade MP, Armin shot a woman…

"Remember our mission. We still have to find Eren and Historia. Then, we find Mikasa and Sasha." He was using his Corporal voice, where he gave them orders. "Jean and Armin, you follow me behind. I'm going down there,"—he pointed to ventilation hole—"prepare for your blade and gun. I heard some voices down there."

He turned to Connie and Marlowe. "You two stay here and watch over us. If some guards come after us, prepare for your gun."

He saw them both becoming pale. "We have no time to hesitate, remember that." He let himself gazing over Jean as he said that. And he started crawling toward the hole. He looked down and saw a woman, wearing white shirt and black pants with those straps over her shirt, just like all those guards, in fact, just like all people in here.

He quietly removed the bars and went down. He lifted a finger to Armin and Jean, stating them not to come until he ordered them to. He slowly walked up to the woman whose back turned to him. He had done this thousand of times ever since he was little. He knew how not to make sound. He kept his mouth shut, he didn't put his weight lightly on his footsteps.

The woman didn't even turn around when he clasped a hand on her mouth and pressing the blade on her neck with his other hand.

"One sound, and you'll die." He hissed through her ear. He hated this. He hated to do harm to innocent people. He didn't care if the woman was in his enemy's side, but he still hated it—

He felt his ribs getting elbowed hard, his left ankle getting kicked, making him fall. And the next thing he knew, he was on the floor, on his stomach, with his blade pressing on his neck, and pain shot through his left ankle.

"One step and your Corporal will be hurt."

He saw Jean and Armin in front of them. Jean with blades in both of his hands, and Armin pointing a gun to the woman. The woman was kneeling beside Levi, but she was also pointing a gun to Levi's leg with her other hand. He couldn't see her face but he recognized her voice clearly. But it couldn't be—

The woman turned her face to him.

Petra.

She smirked at him before turning back to Armin and Jean. "Now, Rookie, it's two against one, right? Can't you see I even managed to bring down Humanity's Strongest Soldier? I can do the same thing to you easier." She looked up at the ceiling, Levi couldn't see Connie and Marlowe, but he knew they were watching. "And if your friends start shooting me, I'll have to use your Corporal as a shield, like he did with my friend."

A memory of one of the things he witness now came before his eyes; it was true. He was killing someone and using his dead body as a shield.

He didn't recognize her right away because she looked different; her hair was longer. Or maybe the last time he had seen her was when she got blood over her face he hardly recognized her, he didn't know.

"Of course, he'll be more useful alive. But we don't have any choice, do we?"

"You…" Armin's voice was merely a trembling whisper.

"What? Surprised that I'm alive and well? Unfortunately, we have no time to talk about it. Tell your friends to come down."

Without a sound, Connie and Marlowe came down, as the guards burst into the room. Armin and Jean still pointed the weapon to her, she was still pressing his blade to his neck. He should think of something, fast. But he couldn't. Petra—she was here, alive.

And… on the enemy's side.

She let go of him as one of the guard pulling him up and tied his hand. He saw her walking outside the room.

He couldn't believe it, but he needed to know—"Petra."

She stopped.

"What about the others?"

She knew he was asking about Erd, Gunther, and Auruo.

"They're good as dead."

She started walking again, but for one moment, he saw her turning her head to him, and they looked into each other's eyes. Just for one moment. And she was outside.

Petra wanted to tell him more, but she couldn't. She saw the unspoken questions from his eyes. _How could you be alive? I saw you dead. How could you even survive? I saw your body thrown from the cart. How could you? Did you mean it?_

Did she mean what?

Did she mean the tears that fell from her eyes when she watched her friends—fellow soldiers—died? Yes.

Did she mean the revenge she'd do for Gunther? Yes.

Did she mean to kill the Female-Titan? Yes.

Did she mean her kisses to him? Yes, yes, yes.

She couldn't tell him those. They were _enemies_, they always had been, and would be.

And yet they were not supposed to fall for each other.

But he didn't need to know if she meant it. Nor he didn't need to know that sometimes she woke up at midnight, one hand touch her stomach, missing his arm around her. He didn't need to know that she'd still get a nightmare from watching Erd, Gunther, and Auruo died. He didn't need to know that she'd still see Eren being taken away in her dreams. He didn't need to know that.

She was always longing to see him again; it was almost painful for both of them. Him, not knowing she was alive. Her, wanting to see him but she couldn't.

And when they met, they simply couldn't do anything.

Levi was loyal to Scout Legion.

Petra already had her loyalty to others, even before she joined the Scout Legion and be an undercover.

She tried to imagine for his voices accusing her; _You fucking traitor. You lied to me. You should be ashamed of your fucking self._ Because in that way, it would make it easier for her when she'd face him again.

But then she recalled the way he looked at her—it wasn't hatred. It wasn't like he was disgusted of her.

It was the relief of knowing she was alive and in a good condition.

And that would make it even harder for her.


	13. Day 7: EqualsCompanions

"Moblit, can I ask you for a favor?"

"Sure thing, Levi."

It took years for Moblit to get used to Levi, or, to be not intimidated by Levi. But Moblit could actually see that he was a good guy; he was trusted by Erwin and Hanji. That should mean something.

"Can you draw someone for me?"

"Okay," he got used to bring a piece of paper and pencil with him, just in case his squad leader wanted him to draw something. "Who do you want me to—"

"Petra."If there was one thing Moblit didn't understand about Levi—from so many things—then it'd be Petra Ral. He knew her to survive from many expeditions, and she had killed _so many_ Titans while she was still young herself.

She was still young to die.

Levi didn't look at Moblit when he said Petra's name. He just looked at his hands. Moblit understood how it felt to lose a friend, but he didn't understand how it felt to lose someone you love, and that's a different thing.

Losing a friend is bad enough, but how does it feel to lose someone you _truly, deeply_ love? He had no idea.

He started to draw a line on his paper when he heard Levi speak.

"No surprise, huh? It wasn't that obvious, was it?"

Moblit didn't answer. Maybe it was too obvious for people who'd known Levi long enough—and Moblit was one of them. Maybe it wasn't too obvious for people who saw Levi and Petra's relationship was no more than a captain and his subordinate.

"I never saw her as my subordinate. I treated them all the same, like my friends. Like I treat you, Hanji, Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba. But of course, my feeling toward her wasn't the same like my feelings for you all. And I can't believe I'm saying this to you."

That made Moblit chuckle, as he kept on drawing.

"We're all the same, Levi."

Silence fell between them. Moblit looked up to see Levi staring into space. "That was what I told her. But she kept insisting that I was her captain, and she was my subordinate. Such a stubborn." He shook his head.

And more silence, as Moblit was still busy with his drawing. Levi didn't try to speak it either; he was busy with his own thoughts.

"Here," Moblit handed him the paper. "They say that when you draw someone, the drawing itself shows how much you saw the person. And that was how I saw Petra."

Levi carefully traced a finger over the paper.

"Thank you, Moblit." Levi said. "I was so afraid I'd forget her face. I saw her in my dreams but the face of hers would be blurry. I'd remember what her voice sounded like, but I wouldn't remember the face she'd made when she spoke. Thank you."

When he saw the drawing, he knew it _was_ that obvious for some people. Including Moblit. The drawing resembled her when she looked at him. Or it should be, _the way_ she looked at him.

He looked at the eyes on the paper and felt something fluttering inside of him. He remembered the first time he asked her to call him by his name when no one was around, because he didn't want to be her captain. He just wanted to be Levi to her. And she did what he asked.

He couldn't ask for anything else from her. He even couldn't ask her to stay alive.


	14. Day 7: Lies

"You're hiding something."

"No!"

"Liar."

Petra narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Levi, who was staring at her back. They were doing homework in her kitchen. And Petra had been thinking her best friend was acting rather strange.

_Levi, help me with this assignment._

_I'm busy. Ask Hanji._

_She's busy dating my brother!_

_None of my business._

Or,

_Levi, I got a callback!_

_That's good._

…_Aren't you going to be all too excited for me?_

_I'm going to leave it to your brother._

_You know Erwin's not like that._

Okay, she knew Levi wasn't the type to be all cheery for her, but at least he could say something better than _that's good_.

She knew something was going on for him.

"Are you dating someone now?" Petra asked him.

Levi, who was scribbling down on his notebook, looked up, his expression was rather surprised by her question. "_What?_" He said a little sharp.

"Well, you've been acting strange to me these days… you're avoiding me. And since we're not in kindergarten anymore, I assume you have a girlfriend. Who is it? Is it Rico?"

"_What?_ No! I'm not dating anyone!"

Petra went back to narrow her eyes at him. "I can see it when you're lying. I always _know_."

"Now you're just being creepy."

"Said someone who can remember what I said and did yesterday and the day before."

"You know I have photographic memory."

Petra sighed. "Look, are you going to tell me or not? I know you've been acting strange these days for reasons… and what are they? I'm your best friend, Levi, you can tell me _everything_."

He kept on staring at her until he let out a sigh. "Alright. I can never win this, okay? You want to know what is it? Fine." He pulled out a book from his bag and put it on the table between them.

She frowned. "What is it?" And that was when she read the title.

He scratched the back of his neck. "I wanted to give you this as a gift for getting the role you wanted… but you didn't. I still want to give it to you, but I don't know when, where, and how. It's just funny, we practically became friends since child but we _never_ gave anything to each other, am I right? I never get you anything for your birthday and Christmas."

"Does that mean I should get you two presents since your birthday is on December 25th?"

"What I meant was, I'd been acting strange because I brought the book anywhere I went. I was kind of looking for the perfect time and place to give you this."

Petra picked up the book. _The Complete Works of William Shakespeare._ "Thank you, Levi." She smiled.

He couldn't help but smiling back. He knew she always loved _Romeo & Juliet, Macbeth, The Midsummer Night's Dream…_ and he knew she had wanted to read all of Shakespeare's works but had no time to find all the books.

And… he started to feel strange and weird when she was around. He didn't know what it was, he wanted to take a guess but he also didn't. That was the _main reason_ why he avoided her.

He also had learned that the weird feeling even grew stronger when she smiled at him.


End file.
